I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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