Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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