textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
