I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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