He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
