I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
