Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
