I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
