she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
