Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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