Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
