chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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