I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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