I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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