dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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