you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
