Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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