the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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