watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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