I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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