i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize