guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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