You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
