If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
