If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
