she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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