I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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