I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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