I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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