So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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