I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dicks are not precious.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
