Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just forgot I was standing up.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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