I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize