People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How does one acquire holy water?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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