I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize