just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Girls should come with a carfax report
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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