I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
