I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
