My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
