Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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