it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
