apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
