You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize