Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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