he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
