I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
