How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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