guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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