sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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