this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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