our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
