somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize