I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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