where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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