I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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