She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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