I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
