you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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