I cannot find my penis.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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